So Who Is Going To Date Me?

Doesn't everyone know I am on a timeline?

May 12, 2024

We don’t like Kim but she was so real for this.

To everyone’s surprise, I am very single. I have never been in a long-term serious relationship. I can count on one hand the amount of dates I’ve been on in the past 2 years. It’s annoying because I think I would be such a good girlfriend! I am not jealous and I can remember random things about you and then get you little gifts. I have felt unwanted by men and women for my entire life. In 2013 there was an NPR article that was published that said that Black women are the least picked on dating apps. Unfortunately, in 2024 I can tell you for a fact that is still true. It’s very sad and depressing.

I don’t know what I need to do, if anything, to convince everyone that they should date me. I know what you’re thinking: It’s because I like white men. That’s not even true! I like all races! The gag is the Black men don’t want us either! I have plenty of Black male friends but I know that they would never think of me that way for whatever their reasons are. I don’t know a single Black man dating a Black woman. All the white men are dating Asian girls. All the Black guys are dating the Latina women. All the Asian guys are dating Asian women. So who the fuck is going to date me?

I have been obsessed with weddings ever since I was a child. The idea that someone would declare their love for me in public that way is very attractive to me. For some reason in 2016, I became obsessed with the song September by Earth Wind and Fire. I don’t know if that’s the first time I heard it but for some reason that summer it changed my life. It was then that I decided when I got married I would be getting married on September 21st. Non-negotiable. I mean love was changing the minds of pretenders!

The best day to have a wedding is on a Saturday1. That means that I need to get married in the years: 2024 (womp), 2030 (doable but I gotta get to work), 2036 (less ideal but okay), and 2041 (I would be pissed it if took that long). Based on these years you can see my problem. I have 6 years to find someone to marry me to stay on my timeline. And when no one is in my DMs. When no one is hitting me up. When no one is so enthralled with my presence that they become obsessed with me, what am I supposed to do? Everyone needs to wake up!!! This is getting ridiculous. I’m still in my early 20s!

It’s not even that I’m insecure. I know I’m hot, that’s why I’m mad!2 I blame ethical nonmonogamy. Everyone that flirts with me already has someone at home. No shade but I can’t be a part of whatever you got going on until I have someone of my own. The most annoying part is that I am bisexual! So it’s not just men! Lesbians don’t want me either! They’re turned off by bisexuals! Sorry, your third eye isn’t open! Get with the times!

I’m usually attracted to feminine men and masculine women. So there is that. I don’t know what to do at this point. Do any of y’all know any matchmakers? Do any of you have any rich hot friends? Notice how I put rich first. I have to keep my eye on the prize. Part of the problem is me. I have high standards.3 I am afraid to go up to people because I have social anxiety when it comes to dating. I am so not used to people liking me that I don’t even know how to go up to people! It’s ridiculous! I am a Leo for God's sake! I need people to be obsessed with me!

I need people to get over the fact that I am not bone skinny. I need them to get over that I’m not light-skinned. I need people to get over that I am not conventionally attractive.4 I have deadlines to meet. At this point, I am just angry. I should be swimming in options but I’m not. It doesn’t make sense! Let’s fix this universe! I’m fed up! You’ve got until the fall! Chop Chop!

Now that I’ve seen challengers I want two boyfriends. But since I can’t even get one I figured I should walk before I run ya know? If anyone wants to set me up with their (cute) friend hit me up. It truly takes a village.

Kiara’s Court

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