If You Give a Bear Cocaine....
Reviewing the notorious film Cocaine Bear
Truthfully, I had no plans on seeing this movie. The only interesting thing to me was that it’s based on a true story. Even then, it all just seemed so predictable to me. That is until a friend of mine told me that his brother saw it and ordered us to see it immediately. Claiming that it was more fun to watch than M3GAN. That is a very bold claim because I love that movie (I even have an entire group chat dedicated to any and all things M3GAN related.) Thus, I had no choice. After all It is my duty as an AMC A-list Stubs member (flips hair) to see as many movies as I can! How else could I get the bang for my buck! Not to mention seeing Nicole Kidman before every movie feels like doing a line of coke. Pun intended. That is why from now own each movie I see I will be rating the claps that the Nicole Kidman ad gets beforehand. You know, for research purposes.
Cocaine Bear
[Spoilers Ahead]
Overall Rating: 8/10
Nicole Kidman Clap Rating: 5.5/10 - People started clapping before us but honestly, it could have been better.
Here were all of my thoughts while watching the movie:
First of all, Julia Michaels being the music supervisor on this movie was a jump scare but, a serve for her because I did shazam at least one song from this movie!
Two things about the mixed female cop:
HER NAME WAS REBA
She needs to get her dreads re twisted (see below). Her hair was so bad it was distracting. Just another example of black women needing blacker hairdressers on movie and TV sets SMH. To make matters worse apparently its not just in the movie, she needs to go to the salon in almost every single picture of her on Google! Jesus be a salon!
This was the first movie directed by Elizabeth Banks that I’ve seen, I think. I did not see the Charlie’s Angels movie she did but now I kinda wanna see it….. I may have seen Pitch Perfect 2 but i’m not sure.
Jessie Tyler Fergerson really transformed for his role of straight guy obsessed with animals who he calls “friends.” I would have not known this was him if Sy didn’t lean over and tell me. Congratulations on not just being the other gay from Modern Family to me now!
WHY DID THE KIDS DO COCAINE?!?!!?!?! This felt so unserious but so it was so funny. These kids were fucking hilarious and honestly were giving me break out stars. Henry was fucking hilarious. I hope the kids in the real story did cocaine.
Apparently, park rangers are police officers so yall are included in ACAB bitch!
However, the park ranger was played by Margo Martindale known first and foremost to me as Ruby from the Hannah Montana movie.
The entire time I kept thinking that the black guy looked like a knock off Ice Cube. Turns out its his son! Come on strong genes! Probably would have known that if I saw Straight Outta Compton….. His name is O’shea but im gonna call him Ice Cube Jr.
The white guy who was crying the entire movie about his dead girlfriend is so hot and was acting for his LIFE!!!!! Someone must have given him a really inspirational talk before filming this movie because he really put his all into this movie. I can name like 5 other white guys he looks like though. (Taron Egerton, Patrick Dempsy, Ian Somerhalder, Matt Bomer, Orlando Bloom, etc.)
Not the 3 gays from Bushwick trying to gang up on Ice Cube Jr. in the bathroom??? But he won BHM BITCH!!! I loved how Ice Cube Jr. never cared about if the kids were dead or not after they attacked him for no reason because fuck them!! Below is the one who lived, and he was so funny tbh. I loved his character and i’m so glad he got to go to New York and actually be in Bushwick where he belongs. Just look at him. He was never meant to be in this situation! He needs to be on the L reading some artsy novel listening to Brockhampton!
I need the mom’s pink outfit. She looked incredible in this, and I love her haircut. I think if I was a character in this movie, I would be her just for her outfit and her haircut. She also saves her kids in the end so serve! Also, apparently, she played Jenna in the waitress movie! I knew she looked familiar!
There was billboard that said “visit the original glory hole” on it.
Apparently, they filmed this movie in Ireland. I say every movie with nature reminds me of Arkansas. Thats just because I have a lot of Arkansas pride. Woo pig! I need to visit Ireland now though because the woods in this movie were truly beautiful.
“Lizards are good listeners, but people are even better” - real advice the blonde Bushwick twink (above) said about how to connect with his son after dropping him off with his drug cartel grandfather………..
Now why did Deedee go hide in the bears cave??? I feel like even as a kid I would know that was dumb. Then the fucking cubs got into the fucking cocaine. This was just overall a funking mess. I bet my blood pressure was so high watching this movie.
There was literally a scene where they mimicked the death of Mufasa dying and the cubs seeing her fall. It wasn’t that like obvious, but I caught the reference.
Loves that the #Blacks didnt die! Happy Black History Month!
Correction: The head Black cop actually did die but idc about him. ACAB bitch. For those who were wondering yes, Reba made it out alive.
The head Black cop got this serve of a dog named rosette. At first he was upset because of course he wanted a manly dog. But when he was bleeding out the only thing he was thinking about was Rosette! So that just goes to show that when you’re a bad bitch you can never lose! She basically looked like this.
Apparently, Ray Liotta, the guy who played Syd, the face of the drug operation, died after making this movie. Sorry to this man, but i wouldnt know a thing! I do have to point out the irony because he also dies in the film. RIP though.
This movie was surprisingly really good! I liked the aspect of this happening during the 80s when Reagan was sprinkling cocaine into neighborhoods like he was the goddamn cocaine fairy or something. That was an added layer that I didn’t know about! Not to mention the bear is a girl!! Nay, a woman! A mother! How can you not stan?! She literally was just minding her business then some Cocaine quite literally fell out of the sky. I think she did the best she could under the circumstances tbh… After looking into it, the only thing that is real is the guy throwing the cocaine out of the plane in the beginning and then falling to his death. That guy in the beginning was supposed to represent Andrew Thorton. “Investigators believed Thornton, a former Kentucky narcotics officer and lawyer, intended to return to the area to get the cocaine, but he died when he parachuted from the plane with 35 kilograms of cocaine strapped to his waist.” It was believed that he was going to come back for the cocaine later after he dropped them. Did the cocaine have trackers on them?? I don’t understand how this guy thought he was going to find all this cocaine after he dropped it. Then again, he was probably high on coke so he probably didnt either.
Elizabeth Banks describes it as “a redemption story for the bear” and honestly, she’s right because women’s stories matter! They just matter! Also, apparently the bear has been turned into taxidermy and is on display at the Kentucky for Kentucky Fun Mall in Lexington. They call him Pablo Escabear. This entire story is so unserious. I did have fun!! Wouldn’t say it was better than M3GAN because I don’t like putting women against each other. I’d say they’re equal in terms of fun and unseriousness! 👩🏿⚖️
Fun Fact: My step-dad’s middle name is legally Cocain (specifically without the E as if that makes it any better.) I asked my grandpa why he named him this and his only explanation was “they used to call me Cocaine on the basketball court.” As if that doesn’t leave me with more questions?????
Not on the basketball team 😭